The Price of Tranquility

The Price of Tranquility the third in a series of six books written by by Arnold J. Inzko. If there is sufficient interest in this one, we will try to offer others of the series in the future.

The Consolidated North American States as well as the Consolidated States of Europe are enjoying an extended period of tranquility in 2022. Both countries are mining in a joint venture for the element Tybium, a new and clean energy source. Dr. EMILY WOODLOCK, the Supreme Chancellor of the CNAS, sent BEN NEIDERMEIER and his team to take a look at the mining operation in Pakindia. While he was observing the operation, a front end loader dropped into a bottomless shaft. Ben Neidermeier and his team investigate. He ordered Sergeant WILLY WALKER, a glider boss, to take his team to the end of the shaft. They traveled more than one mile below the surface of the earth, before they reached bottom. To their immense surprise, they found a modern city with Sumerians living in it. Ben Neidermeier met NIMALI, a beautiful, 306 year old Sumerian Physician. While she checked him for diseases, she detected that he has Sumerian blood flowing in his veins. She convinced him to copulate with her, to save the Sumerian race below, because they have lost the ability to reproduce, living for 300,000 years below the surface of the earth. Nimaly became pregnant with a healthy male and she named him BENSON. Ben Neidermeier’s wife, MALIKA, found out about her husband’s illicit affair and her life was slowly collapsing around her. Eventually however, she found a way to forgive him but she never forgot the incident.

Later, Ben Neidermeier and Malika visited ARAMU, the lead Sumerian to learn more about their culture. Malika met Nimali during one of their scientific exchanges and Ben Neidermeier used all of his diplomacy to keep the rival women apart from each other. HILDA, Ben Neidermeier’s mother by marriage, convinced Malika to invite Nimali for dinner at Ben Neidermeier’s home. At first their relationship was stressed, but in due course and to Ben Neidermeier’s surprise, Malika and Nimali found common ground, nurtured by their interest in science. Later they visited Aramu, in his city, below. During this visit, Ben Neidermeier and Malika found that the peace-loving Sumerians call themselves Urians and they were forced underground by their warlike antagonists, the Igitans.

The Igitans live above ground and they frequently traveled from earth to their outpost on the planet Titan. They also frequently engaged in meetings with heads of state in South America to establish a strong dictatorship. The earthlings united with the Urians to battle the Igitans on earth and in outer space to prevent the creation of a dictatorship in South America. Fortunately, the leaders of the free world successfully concealed the occasional violent outbreaks and maintained an aura of tranquility. However, below the facade, Sergeant Willy Walker took out one of the Igitan’s anti gravity gliders, while they were hiding in a cave at the foot hills of the Andes Mountain. The Igitans retaliated and killed SETH CANFIELD, an undercover agent, while he was staking the Igitans.

This is just one instance where Tranquility demanded its Price.

Author's Bio

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Was this written by a

Was this written by a computer program ? Its absolutely horrendous and unreadable.

Tranquility

By an Underwood typewriter

ORDINARY ENGLISH GRAMMAR

The following is blunt, but is not mean-spirited. I intend it to be helpful. Author, please read twice. The first time will probably upset you. The second time might be illuminating.

THE PRICE OF TRANQUILITY
Arnold J. Inzko

Editoral comments by NOT-ANONYMOUS
David Bruce Bozarth
webmaster/editor
http://www.erblist.com
tangor@erblist.com

Before I reached the end of page one I returned to the website to read the author's bio. Why? Grammar is incorrect--jarring. Seeing that the author's first language is not English, all is explained. I suggest the author have a native English speaker read his manuscript. NOT A FRIEND, as they will avoid offending the author.

That said, author, it is EXTREMELY difficult to write in PRESENT TENSE. Third person is, by far, the most common and widely accepted method, with First Person second.

ACRONYMS or ABBREVIATIONS should be defined FIRST then used--and used SPARINGLY!

The document is poorly formatted... "Chapter 1" appears at the bottom of the preceeding page and I PRESUME the first three lines on the next page are NOTES MADE BY THE AUTHOR TO HIMSELF. If not, delete. If this is a chapter blurb it is not necessary and confuses the reader IMMEDIATELY.

The first sentence contains the word "transporter" twice (redundant) and anti-gravity units do not "harbor." "Transporter" appears AGAIN in the second sentence! Make use of a thesaurus!

Dialogue is paramount. It must sound natural.

REWRITE:

Andrea and Alaric stepped off the Belvedere School's aging anti-gravity bus, which departed with a clatter as soon as they walked toward an old brownstone. Alaric bounced up the porch steps. Andrea started around the sidewalk to the back, where a newer house had been built.

"Alaric!" Andrea called out. "Will I see you after dinner?"

"Sure! Got to run and change clothes. Dad's expecting me in the shop!"

END REVISION

Suggestion: If these two appear throughout the novel, please change one name or the other. Principals should have different names. Preferably names that begin with different letters of the alphabet. Additionally, if the story calls for family nicknames then chose names with popular short versions. For example: Burton/Burt, Edward/Ed, Charles/Chas/Charlie/Chuck. Additonally, having read the blurb on the download page, URIANS and IGITANS does not work for this reader for similar reasons: too alliterative. Ur is an obvious reference to early earth history, so Igita is suggested as both singular AND plural for the Titans to avoid having the same word ending.

The "future history" of the alphabet soup political divisions made me glassy-eyed and impatient. Work such history into conversation:

- - -

"Did you get your report on the formation of the Consolidated States of Europe finished?"

Andrea frowned, staring out the transport window. "No. It's boring!"

- - -

We don't care about uniforms. We do want to care about the characters. The only ACTION that takes place on the first page is two persons of indeterminate age getting off a vehicle.

I read down to the first * * *. Too many facts USELESS to the reader. Useless because these "facts" have not yet been put into CONTEXT with the characters.

I had no "face" to put on any of the characters such as age, shape, appearance, mannerisms, etc.

Nothing happened!

Query: is this story in outline form? Has it been written as a 7,000 word short story? If it hasn't may I suggest that exercise? Anyone can ramble on for pages, and many print houses are only interested in 90,000 to 120,000 word novels--as are authors who get paid by the word--but READERS would rather embrace a tightly written, fast-paced STORY. If that tale happens to take 120,000 words, okay, but this rarely happens. The purpose of the above exercise is to DEFINE and REFINE the ACTION PLOT ELEMENTS. The "what happens" to the characters and where the author wants to take the readers. If the author cannot say it in 7,000 words, then 275,000 words won't help. Every story has a beginning, middle, and end--but more importantly every story must have an internal LOGIC and PLOT, and PACE! Any errors in the last three will be immediately revealed in a short version.

Authors have a devil of a time editing their own work. Every word written is like a child. Being told to delete a word, sentence, paragraph, or even whole chapters is like asking a parent to sacrifice an off-spring. Yet, it must be done. Sometimes those stricken words can be inserted elsewhere, if the words have importance to the reader IN CONTEXT WITH THE CHARACTERS and THE WORLD.

Three tips to writing and revision:

Economy of exposition.
Reality of dialogue.
Action, Action, Action!

Author, I fear there are too many grammatical mistakes in the present version. If you use MS WORD or WORDPERFECT, please turn on the grammar checker and take another look at your manuscript. The most egregious errors will be revealed with a squiggly GREEN underline.

The true price of tranquility will be soothing the savage reader! :)

I will check back from time to time to see if a revision has been posted. I do wish you well with this work, and all the works yet to be written.

Editorial Comments

Hi Arnold – Since you said you want to rewrite your novel, here are a few editorial comments. One thing puzzled me right away. It’s a minor thing and perhaps of no consequence – and it’s possible you created the characters as such on purpose. But if so, I haven’t yet come across the reason. If Ben Sr. is Andrea's father, and Ben Jr. is Alaric's father - then Andrea is Alaric's aunt, as Ben Jr. and Andrea are brother and sister. Assuming Hilda was 25 when she gave birth to Ben Jr., and Malika was 25 when she gave birth to Alaric, that would make Malika 34 when Alaric was nine - meaning, if Andrea is also nine, Hilda would have been 59 when she gave birth to Andrea. If you've explained that later in your work, I'll eventually get to it. If you haven't explained it - recommend you give Alaric different parents, or make Ben Jr. not Ben Sr.'s son but his brother - so that Andrea and Alaric would be cousins, instead of aunt and nephew. In any case, if you haven't explained it later in your novel, the relationship isn't really relevant and could be deleted or changed.

Also, your abbreviations in the heading under Chapter One make no sense until Chapter One is read. All abbreviations should be explained when they first appear - and they always follow the explanation - not the other way around, as you've written them in Chapter One. For example, the heading under Chapter One should read: "The Consolidated North American States (CNAS) and the Consolidated States of Europe (CSE) are strengthening their diplomatic relationship" Then, in Chapter One and later you need only use the abbreviations.

A good editor will tell you to eliminate everything that's not needed. Andrea living in a "newer home" and Alaric living in an "older home" isn't relevant to anything - as far as I've read. If you’re going to rewrite your novel, recommend you read it aloud and evaluate every word carefully and ask whether or not it's really needed - if not, delete it.

In some places you mix tenses. For example, on page 6 you write: "There is a knock at the front door of Alaric's house. He ran to the door and opened it. Andrea is standing there . . . ." If you're going to use "is a knock" and "is standing there," then you must use "He runs to the door and opens it." The same follows for the next three sentences - the present tense should be used in each: "Alaric takes . . . and helps . . ." "Ben Sr. is still there." and "He is studying . . ." The word "drew" is then more correct.

One last comment: If you're going to use verb contractions in dialogue, use them throughout. For example, if someone says "don't," then it should follow that that same person would say "it's" rather than "it is." In any case, contractions are actually easier to read when there's dialogue, no matter who's speaking – unless there's a reason for one not to use contractions, e.g., Mr. Spock in Star Trek.

I hope the above helps.
L. S.

The Price of Tranquility

I should have mentioned earlier in the novel that Ben Sr.'s first wife deceased in Austria. Hilda is his second wife

The Price of Tranquility

Ages in 2022

Paul 61 (Ben Sr.)
Hilda 43 Stepmother of Ben Jr.
Andrea 9
Beau (Girl) 4
Christopher Hilda got pregnant in Sept 2023
will give birth on April 2024

Ben 30(Ben Jr.) His mother passed away in 2006 in Austria
Malika 30
Alaric 9
Branch 6
Corina Malika got pregnant in Sept. 2023
will give birth in April 2024

Nimali 306 earth years old
Benson 1 yr old in 2023. Ben is the father

Ariana 299 Artificial insemination in Sept 2023 (Paul's. sperm)
Will give birth April 2024 to a boy. His name is Aropad.
Named after one of Ariana’s ancestors

Paul Neidermeier Father
Ben Neidermeier Son

Editors Comment

This is a EE Doc Smith style of book. If you liked the old fashioned science fiction of the 30's to 50's, this is for you. Mr. Inzko has several other novels available. If you are interested, please post a comment here, and. if not, please comment anyway. We, and Mr. Inzko, are very interested in your feedback.

The Price Of Tranquility

First of all there is no naturally occuring element called Tybium. Only manmade elements most of which will only exist for a fraction of a second in a laboratory are yet to be added to the Periodic table.
Secondly, an underground civilization on Earth sounds too much like a fairy tale, not science fiction. Where is the science here? The story line is really rather silly and predictable.
Thirdly, Titan is a moon, not a planet, and it is definitely not inhabited. This story needs reworking from start to finish.

The Price of Tranquility

Thank you for your response.

I am changing element Tybium to Tybium ore. I am rewriting this novel and I will call it CONFLICT.

If you could provide specific criticisms, I would appreciate it.

Thank you
Arnold J. Inzko

Moderator's Comment
This reply has been moderated.

Future replies that are similar in tone to the original unmoderated reply will be deleted outright.

Both sides have a valid point.

Mr. Inzko is correct in pointing out that if we only wrote about things that already exist, we would be doing documentaries instead of science fiction. Star Trek would not be much fun if the ships were limited to the speed of light.

However, anonymous brings up a valid point. The question is not whether or not something is true, but whether is a believable enough to allow the reader to suspend disbelief. This was a lot easier before the discovery channel, but now adding a new element is a lot harder than it used to be. In addition, when Jules Verne wrote the first Journey To The Center of the Earth, people still believed that there was a hole in the Earth at one of the poles and that people could descend into it. Now they know better.

Now that people are more sophisticated, it would help if a few paragraphs or pages in the novel told some believable story of how they got underground and how they survive the heat and pressure – perhaps they started in antiquity by fleeing to caves to escape a mighty eruption or flood or other catastrophe and then discovered techniques over the centuries for strengthening and cooling the underground world.

In actual fact, there is a theory that the Sumerian civilization may have been severely damaged by the Atlantis eruption in about 3000 BC. The entire early Bronze Age was pretty well ended by that one, and it might make a good place to begin the branch from reality to story.