Hi Betty - Thanks so much for your comment. If you have no objections. I would like to hear more from you as to just why you liked the book. I would also like to pass on some additional information to you. Please write me at tver1995@tvcom.ru

Thanks again for your comment - much appreciated!

Best regards,

Neil

Hi Ivana - Thanks so much for your comments! It's nice to know my book has reached others outside the US and was appreciated. If you have any other comments or would like to know more about the book, you can reach me at tver1995@tvcom.ru
And good luck with your study of English!
Neil

Hi Lee - Thanks for your comments. No, I'm not Russian. As my bio indicated I come from NY - but now have moved back to Russia. I'm a bit confused when you say profanity isn't necessary but "their relationship could have used a bit more warmth." Are you implying profanity might have given that "warmth?" People are people around the world. Some Russians, as some Americans, are prudish. I'm not prudish; just believe that one can use the English Language without every other word being offensive to someone. I doubt that you will think the culture of the aliens worlds was "fleshed out," as I just wrote simple adventure stories that took place in space. However, I'd like to hear from you again if you have more comments. You can write to me at tver1995@tvcom.run or tver1995@mail.ru Thanks again for your comments. Best regards, Neil

By 'more warmth' I didn't mean profanity, I just found Neil to be a bit afraid of her, a bit like the standard Hollywood caricature of a very shy boy. Your writing is generally far above that of Hollywood.

Hi Lee - Your comment about my writing was much appreciated. Thank you! As for the "warmth" I wrote it purposefully that way - but hoped by the end the shyness would have worn off. I don't know if you will read the other books - but I would be very interested in hearing your comments about them if you do - either here or at my e-mail address which is posted above. Best regards, Neil

Hi Marion - Thanks for your comments!! I've sent you a letter to your e-mail address so that if you have additional comments you can send them to me at my e-mail address.

First I gotta say to "An SF reader from Ohio" that you come across as a absolute prick. While their may be some validity in your comments or suggestions, I tend to believe most folks would disregard your opinions purely based on the way you come across. A great rule of writing is don't insult your intended audience unnecessarily.
Having said that, I now hope to read this story which I might not otherwise have read. I just can't imagine it's so totally without merit as you say. I, myself, do not write fiction.
I am a tech-hack writer. I have tried writing fiction and am pretty good at beginnings and middles but so help me could never find a worthwhile ending. So to this author I tip my hat for having what it takes to hammer out a book with an ending. I'll get back to you when I finish reading it. I read very slowly!

I've been out of touch for a while with the comments about my book, so was surprised to read yours when I finally got back on line here in Russia. Thanks for your comments and belief that there just might be something beyond page 16. If you do read the book from beginning to end, I'd be most interested in your thoughts. You can send any lengthy comments to me at tver1995@mail.ru. I believe the beginning of the current PDF and Microsoft reader versions now contain the revised beginning - based on the "comments" I received from SF reader from Ohio.

Neil

...I still haven't got past page 16.

However, if people read this despite my prickish comments, more power to 'em.

I don't think that this work is completely without merit. I DO think that, with some major effort, it could become commercially viable.

I'm very curious as to your thoughts on The Book in the Loft.

If you read my comment to the person above, you might try downloading the new version - and then see if you can't get beyond page 16. It might be worth a try.

Neil

Appreciate some of your comments. First, you may be a SF reader, but have you ever tried writing a novel? If so, I'd be interested in reading it. It's one thing to read - another to write. This was my first stab at it. I purposefully left out sex, vulgar language (not everyone on this planet has to talk with filth in their mouth), and a lot of violence. Sorry that kind of story didn't fit your style. To answer your question: No, the comments didn't come from family members. I appreciate your comments because I was hoping someone would write in and tell me they didn't like it - to get a feel for what the other side of the aisle thinks. And you're right, since I wrote the story some years ago, and didn't have a background in computers or other technology (and still don't), some of my expressions, etc. were not up to the standard of good sci-fi writing, but I could think of nothing else. But I didn't write the story to sell it - just to see if I could write a beginning, middle and end to "something." With that in mind, I think it worked pretty well. When your novel is finished, post it and we'll compare notes. Thanks again for your comments.

Yes, I realize it's hard to write. It's difficult to even get started, let alone maintain the motivation to continue. Then, once completed, you get an "armchair" editor -- such as myself -- critiquing your effort.

That being said, your opening really needs some work. Once you've lost a reader, you've lost 'em. Like I said originally, I was only 16 pages in and you lost me -- I didn't have an opportunity to run into potential sex, violence, and/or vulgarity.

Anyway, write what you know. If you don't know what you write, find someone who does. There's plenty of people who will spare some time to provide insight. If you can't find one, leave the technology out (especially as Tom's career doesn't really further the story line).

Also, you need to hook your reader right off the bat. Start it off with the grandfather hooked up to life support. (Sorry, I couldn't suspend my disbelief that he just up and "disappeared")...

For instance:

It was two years ago when the men came to tell Mommy that there had been an accident and Daddy wouldn't be coming home from his two-week Army "vacation." It wasn't fair, but at least Papaw moved in to help Mommy with grown-up things. And, like Daddy, he used to read to young master Neil.

Sitting in front of the fireplace, Papaw would read from his "magic" book. Sometimes, after Mommy would send Neil to bed, Papaw would sneak into his room and read some more.

But, even mature, well-loved, and well-read-to eight-year-olds have their limits.

His tact and diplomacy eroded by a lot of grown-up talk, Neil whined, "I don't like this place. It smells funny."

Neil's mom sighed the sigh of martyred mothers since time immemorial. "Oh, honey, shush. This may very well be the last time you get to see your grandfather. Did you bring his book like he asked?"

"Yes, Mommy."

"Good. Now, be a good boy, and behave. Here's Papaw's room."

Papaw's room was filled with all kinds of beeping machines and hissing noises. Neil didn't know that the shaky, itchy, prickly feeling was called "being nervous," but that's exactly what he was. His hands were sweaty, and he nearly dropped his bookbag.

"Ah, there's my little man," Papaw whispered through the oxygen mask. "Did you bring my book?"

"It's right here in my backpack, Papaw. Are you going to read to me?"

"Not today, boy. I’m going away soon, and I needed it."

"Why are you going away?"

"Well, I'm old. Once you get old, your body sometimes hurts for no reason, certain parts don't work quite right, and sometimes..." Papaw leaned over, looked both ways, and whispered in his tone reserved for funny -- but gross -- stuff, "...you just can't poop."

Neil snorted, and giggled behind his hands.

Neil's mom had assumed the "we are not amused" pose -- arms crossed, hip jutting out to one side, and pursed lips. "Aw jeez, Dad. Must you?"

...and so on. Neil's mom, concerned about her father-in-law's dramatic decline, hunts down a nurse. During this time, Neil watches as Papaw opens the book, pushes a couple of spots, and...

Neil heard a gurgle from Papaw, and one of the machines -- the one that went "beep... beep... beep..." -- started to sound like one long beep. The door flew open with a bang, and a nurse ran over and grabbed Papaw's wrist. Then she started pushing his chest up and down.

"Code Blue! Code Blue! I need a crash cart in here, stat," she screamed. But, Neil knew that Papaw had gone away.

Hope this helps.

--SF Reader from Oh-hi-ya

Thanks for your response - indeed helpful. However, I'm hoping you'll get beyond page 16, if for no other reason than to read what the story is really about - and why I didn't use a beginning as you suggested. Chapter Six should help explain that - but part of it could, perhaps, be incorporated up front. In any case, whatever further changes you think might need to be made, I'd like to hear your comments on the story itself. Thanks in advance!

Therein lies the crux -- how would you help a reader get to Chapter 6?

I'll attempt to read past page 16 this evening and get off the "Fix the opening" mantra.

How'd it go?